If the English use please and thank you more than any other nation, Iranians must be the uncontested champions of the ostensible apology. But in the same way that the English “thank you” is not always an expression of thanks, as in “That’ll be all for now, thank you,” an Iranian apology can be anything from an expression of humility, gratitude, thanks, or indebtedness when offering a present, or even a move to a closing sequence, as in “Sorry I’ve taken your time.”
The most common form of apology is bebakhshid (the plural imperative form of the verb bakhshidan (to forgive), which is used in ostensible or ta’ârof apologies, such as at the end of a visit. This kind of closing sequence often takes this form: Guests have indicated their intention to leave. Host: Sorry you’ve had a bad time [with us]. Guest: Sorry for the trouble we’ve given you.
The host or hostess nominally apologizes for bad food, lack of comfort, and waste of the visitors’ time: in short, they present their hospitality as being worse than the visitors deserve in a show of deference toward the guests and humility toward themselves. Ta’ârof offers and apologies can occur in unusual situations. Once I boarded a taxi with my father-in-law, Hâj Nâsser. During the ride the taxi driver recognized my father-in-law from a time when he had visited Hâj Nâsser’s blacksmith workshop. When we reached our destination, the taxi driver said that the fare was not worthy of us, that is, he showed deference by nominally refusing to accept the fare. Hâj Nâsser insisted, and after some more refusals and insistence, the taxi driver apologized profusely for accepting the money because he considered himself Hâj Nâsser’s distant acquaintance and therefore, in an ideal world, he should not have charged him for the ride—in this way abiding by his “obligations” as a member of Hâj Nâsser’s circle of acquaintances. On the other hand, Hâj Nâsser insisted on paying the fare out of consideration for the taxi driver, thus following the cordiality principle.
Family and Social Ties in Persia: Limitless Friendship
